but the lizard people decide everything anyway
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
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You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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