quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
