Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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