apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
