Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
