The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
