I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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