I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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