she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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