What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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