I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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