dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Randomize
