So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
