broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
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I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
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I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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