Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
