yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
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She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
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Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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