the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Randomize
