My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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