GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Green mimosas i think yes
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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