The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I'm passing your future prison.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Randomize
