I can tuck mytits in my pants
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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