Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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