Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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