I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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