I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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