have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
