I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Barsexuality is the new black.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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