I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
