just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
