This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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