I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
