and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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