There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
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