My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
