I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
