I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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