I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
why do cheetos always look like penises
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
There are leaves in my underwear?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
