I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
