Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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