Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
