I wish I only lived at night.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
