Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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