I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
