Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
