Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
