We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
