If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
