he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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