My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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