I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
