She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
