i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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