I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
