I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
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