Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
