If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
