Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
