I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
