My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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