Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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