I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
