new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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