my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
