That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
